THE ROAD TO MAMA

I remember when I found out I was going to be a mum.

Me, a mummy?

Pinches self.

No like really, am I really a mum? I am barely even an adult.

How am I having a baby? I mean I know how, but like hooooow?

I still sing out loud to trap music

I still do silly stuff like talk to my husband’s …..hey look a dancing rat, never mind it’s gone.

How am I having a baby?

Am I scared, err the fuck….of course but like with everything in my life that scared me shitless, I still went on and did the damn thing so what’s a teensy weensy baby to me. I got this.

I think.

Now let me just tell you that being pregnant was not roses and sweet things, men those months were the worst.

They were hard physically, mentally and any other ly you can think of ...so i decided to put together just some of the things I experienced on my way to being a mum.

MY NECK, MY BACK….

At one point it became a ‘So which part of my body is going to ache today’ type of scenario.

One minute it was my leg, my ankle, headache, stuffy nose, sore throat, hemorrhoids, cough, then it’s my back, then it’s my tummy, then my shoulder, my arms, my neck…holy mother of God. My neck. That. was. the. worst.

It felt like I was carrying a tractor, an 18 wheeler and two battle tanks on my head at the same damn time.The pain was like - I am here to ruin you. Like bros calm down, no be me do you. I am still a baby.

Second runner-up in the pregnancy painolympics was this one elbow pain, I tell you for two whole days I couldn’t move that hand, I was washing plates, cooking with one hand like bambiala. The pain was hellish.

Third runner-up is definitely sore boobs. Mehn! WTF. Oh let this baby just come out and try me, let a baby try me.

Update: Baby is trying me and i'm just looking.

NO SLEEP FOR THE PREGNANT

Sleep? Are you trying to be funny? Do I want to steal it?

Haha! While my baby making accomplice is snoring without a care in the world, picture me at 2am, eyes shining like Zaaki’s torchlight. Okay pressing phone but only because I can’t sleep.

Then sleep finally comes and I only get about 4 hours of sleep in before I am awake again.

Who sent me message o?

FOOD

Third trimester I was eating like a straight fool

I am talking six times a day and when I am not eating I am thinking about eating. It got so bad that I was eating in my dreams (that one is a separate gist on its own)

I am shocked my son didn’t come out looking like an agbalumo.

(Update: Jury is still out on this because I just shaved his head and no comment) because the way I wolfed down those things was not normal.

I had this really weird taste in my mouth that annoyed me and I always needed to have something tangy in my mouth.

Then I had a brief lemon and lime moment.

SICK & TIRED

Every day had you wondering “Would I feel sick and lethargic today or will it be tomorrow?”

That sick feeling never announces when it’s coming but it does come alright and leaves you down in the dumps and in bed all day.

SEXY TIME

Lol pregnancy sex is the funniest thing ever.

Like oh no this isn’t working, let’s try this…no no you’re killing the baby.

Ok like this nko? I can’t breathe. Don’t kill me.

Okay let’s do this instead. This is fine.

Finally! See you next time.

NIGHTMARES

During my first trimester I had these bout of dreams that scared me.

Being an MFMite at one point in my life, it was hammered into my head that eating in the dream was a no no.

Oh boy, I was wacking all sorts in my dream. I couldn’t even close my eyes for 5 minutes, next thing there’s ponmo in my mouth.

Or it could be a scene that totally didn’t call for food to be in it but somehow I’d end up eating chicken, sipping coke, wolfing down fried rice and still have room for shawarma. I was scared for my life.

And like the MFMite in me I’d wake up and pray immediately but go back to bed and still go and eat five plates of small chops and one berry blast.

Thankfully it stopped after a while.

WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MY BODDYYYYY???

I went from never having to deal with acne my entire life to wanting to rent out my face to help people scratch recharge cards.

Imagine running your hands over your face and there are more bumps than skin.

Or having nipples the size of a coke bottle cover. PET bottle to give you a better perspective.

My husband once joked that my nipples tore the side of his mouth (don’t ask me how that could have possibly happened sha)

My face got darker, my body rounder.

I LONG FOR THE DAYS

When you are pregnant, you long for simple things again like sleep and when you do sleep you long to be able to sleep on your stomach even for a minute.

The days when you were not wolfing down everything in sight.

When you didn’t burst into tears over every little thing.

When you could wear normal sized clothes.